Yanukovich wins; Tymo loses; Russian internet savant says 'eat it'

Supporters of President Viktor Yushchenko's Ou...

Image by AFP/Getty Images via Daylife

The results are in, which means it’s time to get that Acme Wound Salt out.

Yulia Tymoshenko, the Joan-of-Arc-cum-Cruella-Deville of the Ukrainian Orange Revolution, is looking shit out of luck. At this writing, the Ukrainian Central Election Committee has counted 97.56% of the votes and she’s still behind to ex-con-villain-cum-comeback-kid Viktor Yanukovich. Not only is his 2.56% lead unlikely to turn inside-out and put Yulia in the president’s chair, but, with European observers reporting that the voting has been largely clean, it’s unlikely that she can contest the vote and look anywhere near sane — an image she has, of late, continued to undermine.

The many delicious layers of crazy have been thoroughly covered in this election, but the framework that makes the most sense anywhere other than Ukraine — and conveniently overlooks any, erm, nuance — is the West-versus-Russia one, and it goes something like this: In 2004, Russia rather overtly backed Viktor Yanukovich; he won in a rigged election until Victor Yushchenko and his braided sidekick Tymoshenko — the two darlings of the West — summoned thousands onto Kiev’s Independence Square (the Maidan) and won the day, wrenching Ukraine out of Russia’s orbit, validating democratic ideals, and, the West hoped, putting it squarely into the stiff-armed embrace of the Europeans. But! Yushchenko sucked as a president, Tymoshenko proved expert at making herself odious to just about everyone, and now Yanukovich is back, this time as a fairly-elected president — right? — promising warmer relations with its historical neighbor, Russia.

And because it’s not a geopolitical victory until you gloat and gloat some more we have this:

Today, the domain Maidan.ru is for sale on the Russian e-Bay analog, molotok.ru.

It is, let me emphasize, a Russian domain name, advertised as “a good address to start a revolutionary web portal.” Over the course of the day, a dozen bidders have driven the price up from $30 to almost $1,500.

But who, pray tell, is selling this thing? One Jason Foris, who has not sold or bought anything on molotok.ru in the last seven days or, probably, ever.

rykovBecause, you see, Foris is none other than a nom de guerre for Russian internet wunderkind Konstantin Rykov, who long ago got in bed with the Kremlin and never got out. Now he’s leaking this apparently spontaneous — and painfully obvious — Ukrainian-bound bird-flippage to Vesti, a Russian-owned TV channel, and hawking it up and down Twitter where, luckily, few seem to be buying the schtick. (That, or the schtick that proceeds from the sale should benefit the Yeltsin Fund, a lame attempt to join the 90’s-bashing so commonplace in official media these days.)

So, as if the Ukrainian elections weren’t crazy enough, Rykov arrives to pummel you over the head with his dance in the end zone: we won, he seems to be saying ever so subtly; we won and you, Ukraine, you and your Western ass-kissing and Orange Revolutions, YOU. LOST. “Eat it,” you can hear him saying, wiggling hither and thiter. “Eat. It.”

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